I really don’t know what hurts more: being the one who breaks the relationship or the one who thought things would work out.
Today as I study for an exam, I realize that if the heaviness in my heart is going to be lightened, I must do the one thing I have prevented myself from doing for a long time. I must write about the events that have brought me so many negative thoughts, and I must let go of them. Typically, when I am not writing about these things, I talk about them with intimate partners and closest friends. But recently, there’s been no intimate partner and my closest friends, I honestly don’t want to bother them with my own life. Adulthood is tough on everyone, and we all are just trying to take each day as it comes. Also, sometimes, it’s just necessary that I write these things in the most honest form and share to get over them.
Breaking up my relationship last year is the one thing that I have done in my life and has filled me with immense guilt. It was a rather short relationship of about 6 months but with so much commitment like meeting families and making financial commitments together. For my partner and me at the time of the relationship, we were fit for spending the rest of our lives together. I can not entirely speak for him but for me, I knew that this fitness for the rest of my life was not because I was absolutely in love with him. I liked him and I am greatly attracted to the intelligence which he had in a full load. But was I entirely sure if I want to spend the rest of my life with him? No, but he seemed sure about this and the thought of having someone put all their hopes in me was far too overwhelming for me to sustain knowing how low my level of certainty was.
Over months in the relationship, our differences became more and more obvious to me, the impossibilities became more glaring and the thought of staying so long in a relationship where I was doing my bare minimum niceness while someone was really committing the rest of their life didn’t feel good to me. So, I did what I had to do, called it quit to continue life alone with the fear of never finding the right partner. Luckily, about 5 months in, I actually met someone, we connected, dated and to me, we were really good but yay! A few months in and “hello “, said Karma! This time, it was the boyfriend who spotted the differences and impossibilities that made us break up. And, I have since then not been myself.
Sometimes, life makes a lot of sense but when we are lonely and scared, our eyes are blurred and it feels like it just does not make sense. In my case, it just seems like ending the relationship last year was a clever way to set myself up for loneliness. I had a man who liked me and wanted to spend the rest of my life, but I turned that down, met someone I liked and would not mind spending the rest of my life but he had to turn that down. I have always valued my life single but, after these two breakups and with the never-ending series of social media posts on love and marriage, I really am happy for you guys but, it just feels like I’m going to end up alone, especially with me being out of my home country.
The country here is a factor because even though we all like to say colour and stuff don’t matter, I find the array of black men in my location very small and there are not so many options to choose from even if I am interested in them. Also, interracial dating? Hmmm… difficult even though I am open to it. I have never thought of myself to be someone who would be the most loved parent of a child but, I do love coloured baby girls with curly brown or black hair. They are my definition of perfect. Straight hair is too plain and African afro (the very thick one like mine) is too stressful to maintain but a mix of both is divine.
Anyways, that was a nice rant for me. Thanks for reading. I feel lightened and as if I can take on some weight of the world for some months again.